Sunday, June 9, 2013

Day 9: Pobject's Bathrobe

Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Bathrobe
(I am sooooooo sorry, Wallace Stevens...)

I’ve never worn a bathrobe.
By that I mean I’ve never worn one regularly.

My wife once got as a gift a bathrobe that had clearly spent some time in the gift-giver’s girlfriend’s closet: the thing reeked so strongly of stale cigarette smoke that it was simply unwearable.

The word implies that one wears it on going to or coming from the bath?
I suppose it would be silly to wear it in the bath.
I prefer nudity, before, during, and after.

I’ll take boxers and a loose-fit tee for loungewear, and there are blankets aplenty if it gets cold.

Why wear clothes at all?
I once had a conversation with my father about the Sisyphean nature of our everyday lives: “think about it: we get our clothes dirty, we throw them in the washer, we wash them, dry them, fold them nicely and neatly, and tuck them away or hang them up, only to get them dirty again in a day or two.”
“You still fold your clothes?” he asked with the carefree wisdom and economy one only gets near 70.

A bathrobe worn backward is a Snuggie.

How many washcloths can one make from a typical bathrobe?
What’s the Guinness-sanctioned world record for longest time wearing a bathrobe?
O fat men of Haddam, what size of bathrobe would a hippo wear?

Terrycloth is tender.
I sleep most nights with my arm thrown over a stuffed hippo named Lyta (click here if you have to) whose skin once was a soft terry-like felt.

“Be a throb!” is an anagram. So is “The ab, bro!” and likely several other exclamations (post others in the comments section, please).

We cover what we want to
and leave unclad everything else.

If I wore a bathrobe, would I need slippers too, and a pipe?
The other day, while walking the dogs, I saw a man perhaps five years my junior driving a Prius. His window was down and he was puffing away at a pipe.
People still do that?

We once tried to hang a hook on the bathroom door, somewhere to put a bathrobe or a towel.
The door’s wood is only a few millimeters thick. The hook was unsightly and so didn’t stay. Instead I now have an eye-level peephole in the bathroom door.
I never use it.
I promise.

As with all pocketed garments, be sure
to search the pouches of your bathrobe
before placing it in the wash.
You never know what you’ll find there.


  1. Bathe, bro.
    Bat, he rob
    the B.O. bar--
    bath bore!

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