Wednesday, January 14, 1970

Day 4: Dobject's Andy Kaufman

The Countdown of Strangest Things To Wake Up To:
#5 The song, Pigs, by Pink Floyd being played at full volume at 7:00am.
#4 A Jack Russell Terrier howling at the frantic squawks and clucks of egg-laying chickens.
#3 Sleepwalking out the front door.
#2 A crash course in Andy Kaufman.

            I first heard about his 15-foot desk from my dad. I caught some rumors about Kaufman and Tony Clifton from my older cousin. I most recently learned about his “death hoax” on this blog (hint, it wasn’t a hoax).
            Don’t get me wrong, I like milk and cookies as much as the next guy (edit: the next guy who can’t eat cookies), and I deeply respect any comedian willing to say “fuck it!” to the broadcasting company in such a creative way as Kaufman did, but still, I wonder, perhaps needlessly—

What of the daughter?
What of Maria Bellu-Colonnna?

            She is a little orphan girl. You are a little orphan girl. You’re up for adoption. Naturally, you’ve always wondered who your mother and father might be. It’s all harmless. Maybe he’s a modest craftsman, maybe a banker. I hope he’s funny. Maybe she owns a small shop on Main, maybe on Yorke. I hope she’s warm. Maybe, you imagine, I got switched up in the hospital, maybe I’m royalty to a lost King and Queen.

            Yeah right, Maria, your foster brothers and sisters tell you with the suspicious glance of an aging scholar, you’re dreamin’ (they wished it was them). Maybe your bunkmate Laurie resents you for thinking of leaving her behind. You promise to take her with you too, and you make up.

But what of the daughter?
But what of the father?

            She grows up, you grow up, we grow up; and as suddenly as a song and dance man dies, and as suddenly as a song and dance fan gets the little budding seed of doubt that an ink blotted, bold fronted headline screaming death could suddenly be the last act of a beloved singer/dander/prankster/trickster/player/actor/eccentric/madman, and
As suddenly as, say, a financial grant to a little orphan girl promises the name of her father, and as suddenly as a hoax is born, and as suddenly as a little orphan girl named Maria is born: we begin to doubt everything we are.

The Strangest Thing To Wake Up To:
#1 Am I a hoax?